Whiskey Jokes / Recent Jokes

' Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender

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Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never ask a man the size of his spread.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks more...

As a man was about to enter a bar, a nun on the step outside accosted him.
"Young man, surely you don't intend to waste your hard-earned money on the devil's brew by entering this den of iniquity," scolded the nun. "Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children."
"Hold on, Sister," argued the man. "How can you form such a rash judgment and condemn alcohol so quickly, when you've never tasted it?"
"Very well, young man," the nun replied, "I will taste it, just to prove my point. Obviously, I'm not able to enter the bar, so why don't you bring me some whiskey. Oh, and in order to camouflage my intent, perhaps it would be best if you brought it in a cup, rather than a glass!"
Agreeing, the man entered the bar and said to the barkeep, "I'll have a large whiskey. Oh, and could you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," exclaimed the bartender, "Sister Rose is outside again, more...

A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the "Atlantic Monthly":

At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat back again. Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat.

By then, the cold is probably cured.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along.
Pizza thought: "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry."
Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him, "What's going on out there?" it asked.
"Why, there's a party going on! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied.
And pizza said, "Great, I'll go check it out!"

One day a good Jewish couple were lamenting over their teenage son wondering what would become of him in life.
Finally the father came up with an idea. On the credenza in the dining room, he would place a $20.00 bill, a copy of the Old Testament and a double shot of whiskey.
Then he and his wife would hide in the closet when their son came home and watch to see what item he would select. If he took the $20.00 he would be a frugal and successful businessman.
If he took the Old Testament he would be a respected Rabbi.
And if he selected the whiskey he'd end up a no-good stinking drunk bum - but at least they'd know.
When all the items were layed out on the credenza the couple hid in a nearby closet. Not long after the teenage son arrived home and walked into the dining room.
After looking over the items layed out before him he picked up the $20.00 and stuffed in his pocket. He then picked up the Old Testament and placed in under his arm. Finally he picked up the more...

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked. Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won`t get worms."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,' till the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay more...