Winter Jokes / Recent Jokes

Winters are fierce where he lives, so the owner of the estate felt He was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty.""Why don't you wear them?"The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick." The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick." "The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

It was an awful winter at Valley Forge, and, realizing he had to do something to keep his men from freezing, General Washington decided to quarter as many as possible in the surrounding village.
Mustering the men, he set out. The first place they reached was a tailor's shop. Though the man had a family often, he said he would gladly make room for one soldier.
"All right," said the grateful general, "I ll leave you with Cox. He's the shortest man in the regiment and will inconvenience you the least."
Moving on through the bitter winds, the general came to what was obviously a brothel. Although his morality was offended by the thought of staying there, he knew the welfare of his men must come first. Thus, he rapped on the door.
When the madam arrived, General Washington doffed his hat and said, "My good woman, my troops need warm beds for the night. If there is any way you could accommodate us, it would be deeply more...

OPERATION ORDER 12-98
FOR: OFFICIAL VISIT OF LT jg SANTA CLAUS
1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, more...

Three blondes died and are up talking to St.Peter. He says, "I have one question and if you get it I will let you into heaven." He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"She answers, "Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey." St. Peter just shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"She answers, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney."Again St.Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"She says, "Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes... go on..." The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes out and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter." Blonde
Three Blondes Arrive At The more...

You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when.... You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. The mosquitoes have landing lights. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday. You head south to go to more...

CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that more...