Wit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Da night bepor Christmas
An all tru da house
Nating pas
Not eben a mouse.

Da children dey nossie
all snog on da ploor
An Mama puts newspepper
Tru da crack on da dor.

Den Mama in da stobe
Roost up da manuk
Steer up da adobo
An make bake da biko.

Den out on da rud
Dey got such a clatter
Soun like old manong
Pull down da ladder.

I run so past
To open da dor
I trip ober da dog
An pull down on da ploor!

As I look out da dor
In da light ob da moon
I thinking "apo, you cresy
I'm gitting old too soon."

Becus dere on da rud
Wer I turn my head
Dere's eight carabao
Pulling a sled
An a little driber
Wit a big ishtick
I know right away
must be St Nick.

Mob paster an paster
Da carabao dey come
He wistle an holler
An call dem by nim:
"Oy, Boogy!
Oy, more...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me' side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky more...

Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name."Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me' side da head."What da heck you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!"Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he more...

I went to school to become a wit. Only got halfway through.

A few samples of bureaucratic wit of the days of British Raj.
The first is an entry made by an executive engineer in the visitors' book of a circuit house.
'The verandah of the Circuit House badly needs railings. During my momentary absence, a cow ate up some estimates which I had left lying on a table in the verandah.' Below this note was the commissioner's observation:' I find it hard to believe that even a cow could swallow PWD estimates.'
In another circuit house book another executive engineer had noted:' The washbasin should be immediately replaced. I could not wash my face properly for want of proper facilities.' Against this entry is a marginal note in the commissioner's beautiful hand:' SDO will replace the washbasin at once. The executive engineer had to wash his face in tears during his last visit to this station.'
The prize remark is against a complaint that the latrine was too far away from the bungalow.' He should have started earlier, 1 wrote the more...

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.
Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his boot
On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b. o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,
And more...

A group of friends who prided themselves on their IQ (maybe MENSA members) set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn
asked a question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.Eventually the contenders left were Thompson and Brown, matching erudition for erudition for a good half hour.Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?"Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills, "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the sand.""Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher more...