Witness Jokes / Recent Jokes

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise his case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness, "Yes, sir."
The lawyer, "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he`d trap the witness), "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness, "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.
"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
"I certainly did."
"And?"
"And he said,' Yes dear you're right,' and dozed off!"

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness, "Yes, sir."
The lawyer, "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness), "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness, "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."