Witness Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question".

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight? Witness: Yes.Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere? Witness: Yes.Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand? Witness: Yes.Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!! Witness: Yes.Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the more...

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"The witness: "Yes, sir."The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

The attorney strode confidently over to the witness. "Come now, Mr. Pendergast. It was nearly midnight, yet you say you saw my client strangle Mr. Pedigrew from nearly seven blocks away! Just how far can you see at night?"
Mr. Pedigrew shrugged. "I dunno. How far away is the moon?"

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded. "Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly. The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your
legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world,
you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits
that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in
Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have
"a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects
millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to
examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a
well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your)
nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from
hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still,
rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and
overexertion... all things you may encounter this time more...

`You seem to be in some distress, ’ said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter? ’
`Well, your Honour, ’ said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects. ’