Witness Jokes / Recent Jokes
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
“Will you state your name? ” asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
“Well, doctor, ” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question”.
Witness: "Well, I think. .."
Lawyer: "Don't think! In this court you tell what you know not what you think."
Witness: "I'm not a lawyer. I can't talk without thinking!"
A man, accused of selling drugs, was on trial and a neighbor was called as a witness.
"Did you ever get any heroin or other drugs from the defendant?" asked the defense attorney.
"No, sir," replied the witness.
"Did you ever get any from his wife?" the attorney asked.
"No, sir," came the reply.
"What about his daughter? Did you ever get any from his daughter?" the attorney asked.
After a moment of hesitation, the witness replied, "Excuse me, sir, but we are still talking about drugs, right?"
Judge to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?"Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
This is supposed to be an actual court transcript. -- remember, you found it on the Internet!
To: All Staff Attorneys
Subject: Depositions and Their Use
A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent' for any purpose' is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:
The Court: Next witness.
Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.
The Court: You mean read it?
Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition' for any purpose' and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.
The Court: Well, it more...
Did you hear about the lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovah's Witness?
He refused because he didn't see the accident but said he would be interested in taking the case.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness with an atheist?
A: A person who knocks on your door for no reason.