Witness Jokes / Recent Jokes

Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that's illegal an' all.
Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised. The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw: "Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, real quiet-like."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.
"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close."
"And what happened after that?"
"Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!"
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that."

Witness: "Well, I think..."
Lawyer: "Don't think! In this court you tell what you know not what you think."
Witness: "I'm not a lawyer. I can't talk without thinking!"

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer:In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called hisfirst witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. Heapproached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" Sheresponded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointmentto me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talkabout them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when youhaven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed acrossthe room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. Hecan't build a normal more...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true, ” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? ”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? ” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question. ”
“Oh, ” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you. ”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.
Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde,
The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).