Witness Jokes / Recent Jokes

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't more...

'You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. 'Is anything the matter?''Well, your Honour,' said the witness, 'I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes Sir", answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."

A lawyer who was 5'2" was called to the stand as a witness as a fact witness. On cross-examination, the questioning attorney, who stood over six-and-a-half feet, asked the first lawyer what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.

“You are a lawyer? ” said the cross-examining attorney. “Why, I could put you in my pocket. ”

“Perhaps you could, ” replied the witness. “But if you did, you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head. ”

Judge to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?" Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?" Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in apark.The witness: They were fucking your honorThe judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there