Woman Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.
***
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)
Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences
SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to comms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to comms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.
So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, woman please report to comms for instructions."
She sits down and just as she is about to more...

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts,' Open the safe!'

'But this is not a real bank!' the woman replies,' It's a sperm bank.'

'Open the safe or I'll shoot!' the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified opens the safe.

'Now take one of the bottles and drink it,' he says.

'But sir, these are sperm samples!' the woman replies.

'Just drink it or I'll shoot!'

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot.' Now take another bottle and drink it.'

'But sir, I just drank one!'

'Drink another one or I'll shoot you!'

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.

When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

'Now you see, Honey,' he says,' It isn't so difficult, is it?'

An elderly woman went to the doctor's office for a check up.
The doctor asked if she had any problems. The woman said that she had a terrible farting problem, but they were silent & didn't smell. In fact she had farted at least 10 times since she had been in the office, but as they were silent & didn't smell he wouldn't have known.
The doctor listened to her story and then gave her a prescription for some pills. He told her to take these for a week and then come back to see him.
1 week later the elderly woman returned to the doctor's office and complained "I don't know what you did but those pills you gave me have got my wind smelling awful, mind you they are still silent but boy do they stink!"
The doctor replied, "Good, now that your sinuses are cleared up we will work on improving your hearing!"

Two young boys were at a waterfall. They saw a naked women underneath the water. One of the boys ran away and the other one followed him saying, why are you running? The first boy said, my mother said that if you look at a naked woman, you turn to stone... And I am already becoming hard !

A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor, along with their wives, were on a cruise. Suddenly a tidal wave came out of nowhere, swamped the ship and they all drowned. The next thing they knew, they were standing before St. Peter.
Shaking his head, St. Peter first looked at the Presbyterian and his wife and said, "You cannot enter for you loved money too much. So much so, that you married a woman named Penny."
St. Peter then turned to the Methodist and said, "I'm sorry for you cannot enter either. You loved food far too much. So much so that you married a woman named Candy."
Hearing this, the Baptist nervously turned to his wife and whispered, "It doesn't look good, Fanny."