Wood Jokes / Recent Jokes

Items Needed:

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4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallot
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

a clerk has a bathroom of three toilets, a wood one, a glass one, and a thing one. one day a man comes in and says "Can i use your toliet?" the clerk says "yeah sure we have three open, a wood one, a glass one, and the thing one," the man replies,"i will take the wood one." Another man comes in and says,"can i use your bathroom?" the clerk says "yeah we have two open, a glass one and a thing one" the man replies,"ok i will take the glass one" the other man comes in and says "can i use your toilet?" the clerk says "yeah we have one left and thats the thing one," the man replies," ok i will take that one," well of course the first man took the wood one and came out with slivers in his butt, the second man couldnt use the glass toilet cause it broke on him, the third man goes over to the clerk and told him,"huh, funny my toilet kept saying: do you see what i see!"

Who runs the 100 acre wood website? www.innie the pooh.

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride. After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection. The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes. "Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is' hauling wood without a truck.'"

There was a man sittin in a bar with a small head and a man opposite him. The 2nd man crossed to the first and said " i cant help but notice how out of proportion your head is to your body how did it happen?"
The man with the small head said" buy me a beer and al tell u the story"
He bought the beer and the story begun.
" well a was oan ma ship wi the crew n the ship began to sink. I swam for a while till a saw a mermaid oan a rock. she swam to me and told me she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes."
"So my first wish was that i wood b rescued and soon a ship was sailing my way. then my second was that i wood have a big muscly body and i got one. then for my 3rd wish i thought for a while and came up that i wanted to have sex with the mermaid but she explained that since she was part fish it wouldnt work so again a thought for a while then i decided that she could give me head down below so i announced to her my more...

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a more...

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?""Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very more...