Woody Jokes

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the' 90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then more...

What's Woody Allen's only objection to having an Oriental lover?
An hour after he fucks her, he's horny again.

What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
- Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesomethings that money can buy."
- Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
- Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good."
- Woody Allen
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
- Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
- Dick Brandon
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it"
- Richard Feynman
"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about more...

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Woody!
Woody who?
Woody answer the door please! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Woody!
Woody who?
Woody it be lovely? ! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Woody!
Woody who?
Woody you want!

Woody: “What’s shakin’ mister Peterson? ”
Norm: “All four cheeks and a couple of chins. ”
Woody: “How’s it goin’ Mr. P.? ”
Norm: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and I’m wearin’ Milkbone underwear. ”
Woody: “Can I draw you a beer Mr. P.? ”
Norm: “I know what they look like, just give me one. ”
Woody: “What’s goin’ down Mr. P.? ”
Norm: “My butt on that stool. ”
Norm: “I’m the ideal weight for someone 10 feet tall. ”
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I’m high on life, Coach…. Of course, beer is my life.
Coach: How’s a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
Coach: What’s up, Norm?
Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, more...