Work Place Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job.' Forgive us our trespasses.'"

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation.'"

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and had a great sense of humor!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., more...

The accountant for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe was retiring after working for the firm for seventeen years. Cheatham was interviewing applicants, and was disappointed, as only three had even bothered to send in a resume.

After looking over the application of the first, an accountant with six years experience at Goldman Sachs, he called the first applicant in, and asked the woman what 2 plus 2 was.

She answered, "Four."

Cheatham said he would call her if she was selected.

The second candidate was a CPA from Harvard, and at the end of the interview he was asked the same question, "What is two and two?"

The CPA replied, "Four." Cheatham told him that he would call the young man if he was selected.

The third applicant was a recently-graduated philosophy. Cheatham figured that this wasn't going to go anywhere, but thought, "What the hey? I've got nothing to more...

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed' Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.'

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked' Mommy, why did they bury two men there?'

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

If at first you don't succeed -- try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Pride, more...