Worry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:
Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me - we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my more...

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don`t worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don`t worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don`t worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we`ll be up here all day"

one sunny day 2 cowboys were riding alond lets call them fred and george. well anyway george says to fred, fred there is an indian follwing us n fred says ohh dont worry bout the indian hes a week away.
next morning george says to fred the indians still following cause and fred says to george dont worry bout him hes days away.
this continues for a couple of days so one morning as they are just bout ready to head off again into the sunset george says to fred fred the indians gettin really really close so fred says well shot him shot him!!
so george gets his gun aims and then says NO NO i cant shoot him. and fred lookin puzzled says why not? george says because ive know him since he was a week old!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last more...

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the
first woman as well as the first Jewish President, Ms. Shirley Vineberg.

So the President-elect calls up her mother in Brooklyn a few weeks after Election Day.

"So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a six hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what on Earth I would wear."

"Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have some wonderful dresses by Christian Dior."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to more...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.
"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' more...