Wrong Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman and they were flying in a plane. The Englishman dropped an apple, the Irishman dropped a banana peel, and the Scotsman dropped a grenade. Later, when they got off the plane, they saw a man crying so they went up to him and asked what was wrong and he said that while he was walking an apple landed on his head, so they walked on. Then they saw a man rubbing his butt, and they asked what was wrong and the man said that while he was walking he slipped on a banana peel so they walked on. Again they came up to a man but he was laughing so they asked what is so funny and he said I farted and my house blew up.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down. 2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 7. Crying is blackmail. 8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 9. We don't more...
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank 10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other. 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast. 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon. 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English. 6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault. 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil. 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants. 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos. 2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED. 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez
HERS:
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1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
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1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
8. Asks guy behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at the 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the more...
One day, there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous
look, and another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.“Well,” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?”“No,” said the other.“Well,” said the first, “it's when one slips and says something one is thinking
usually when it is the least opportune time.”“Oh,” said the third, “so, what happened?”“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first.“Yes?” said the second.“Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, ‘I now sentence you to death.’”
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!."
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can more...