Yard Jokes / Recent Jokes

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

Continued from Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO: _____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis: _____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO: _____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of more...

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog more...

1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.

3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.

4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.

6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.

7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in more...

As Tiger is enjoying a piece of'humble pie" in his back yard, a group of ladies mistakenly hit their drive into Tiger's back yard. As Tiger goes to retrieve the ball to return to the ladies the lady tosses another ball over the fence. Tiger says "Hey what is that for". The lady ...replies "Every Pr#ck needs two balls".

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window. "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."