Yard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!
WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out: )

1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?"
(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear more...

Two neighbors had been fighting each other fornigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane andteaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use thebathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and ahalf of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; beingignored all the while, a semi pulls up in frontof Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the18-wheeler.' My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

There was a macho type of guy who went to the hardware store and bought a leather tool belt and a lot of tools to go with it. Like any good tool belt it weighed about 100 lbs when fully decked out.
The fella decided to take the belt out for a spin and was working out in his yard when all of a sudden the tool belt ended up around his ankles taking his pants with it. So here is our guy all of a sudden mooning the world bare-assed naked in his back yard.
All of a sudden there is a tremendous clap of thunder and a lightning bolt came down out of the heavens and carved a perfect 5 on each cheek of his posterior. The fella was very excited, but not nearly as excited as his wife who decided that this was a sign from above and proceeded to put their life savings into lottery tickets betting on the number 55.
That evening the drawing was held and you can imagine their excitment when the first number drawn was a 5. Immediately thereafter the last two numbers came out... 0... 5. more...

They turned on a night light, turned the answer machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and threw the cat into the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a more...

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. Then came the second half... First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss. The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other. "Who made that tackle?" asked the ant. "I did," said the centipede. Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede. Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?" The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my more...

The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets pissed off. She goes bitching to Little Johnny's father. She comes toLittle Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny fucking a goatin the front yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in the school and now.... now he's beingcarnal with a goat in the front yard!" Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling,"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!"

A railway inspector in Arkansas in the United States was making the rounds of a railway station and yard in a small town.
He located Hank, a man who had worked in the rail yard for almost forty years. He questioned Hank about various safety considerations and seemed to be satisfied that Hank was genuinely knowledgeable about railway safety.
As a last question, he asked Hank what he would do if he saw two trains approaching each other, on the same track, travelling at speeds of 60 miles per hour (96.8 Kph).
Hank said "I'd yell R.T."
The railway inspector, puzzled by this, asked, "What's R.T."?
Hank said, "R.T.'s my buddy and he ain't never seen no train wreck like that would be"!