Yard Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
Little Johnny answered, "A damn swing set in the backyard."
"Excuse me?" said Santa.
"I want a damn swing set in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.
Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Let's try again. What else do you want?"
Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in the front yard."
Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for Christmas."
Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. They apologized profusely, saying more...

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,

The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Walmart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But more...

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back,
The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
For killin' God's creatures, there's no better fun.
The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Wal*Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.
Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie, our fair state more...

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.Then came the second half...First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP! Tackled for a five yard loss.The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other."Who made that tackle?" asked the ant."I did," said the centipede.Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP! Tackled for another five yard loss.Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

Two guys who wanted to get a job at a computer company way out west decided they'd better get a college education so they could interact with intelligent people, learn to read books, think, and be contributing citizens of the global village.
They enrolled in the local junior college, and the first guy went in to see his advisor, who said, "Randy, I want you to take history, math, and logic."
"What's logic?" asked Randy.
"Well," said the professor, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Why, yes, I do," replied Randy.
"OK," continued the professor, "logic tells me that you have a yard!"
"Amazing," gushed the young rube.
"And," continued the professor, "since you have a yard, logic tells me that you have a house."
"I do! I do!" exclaimed the boy.
"And," continued the professor, "if you have a house, you more...

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car." Father replies,: "O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see." Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?" Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair." Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair." Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!
WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)
1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?"
(Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".
5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)
6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's more...