Yard Jokes / Recent Jokes

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll! WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?"(Not recommended at Biker Bars)4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 more...

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse`s Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother`s Name: _______ Father`s Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of more...

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.""I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied."Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldn't find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out 'Where is the rake?' She says 'What!' so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says 'eye left tit behind the bush'.

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.