Yeah Jokes / Recent Jokes
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said' Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what more...
A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:
"Sir, I believe you`re drunk. I`m going to administer a breathalyzer test"
Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I`m a severe asthmatic, and I don`t have my inhaler with me... if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"
Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah... well, this is more invasive, but if you won`t submit to a breathalyzer, I`m going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"
Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I`m a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can`t give blood... I might die"
Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I`m going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"
Man: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I can`t do that, I`m drunk."
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey more...
A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a' 70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an more...
A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.
"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."
...the bartender says "wow, you must have had a rough day" The guy looks at the bartender and says "Yeah I just found out my older brother is gay" So the guy leaves...the next day...the same guy walks back into the bar and orders the same thing. Again the bartender says "wow must have another bad day" The guy says "Yeah, I just found out my younger brother is gay" So the guy leaves...So next day..same thing...The guy walks in orders the same thing. The bartender looks at the guy and says "Gosh man doesn't anybody in your family like women?!?!?" The guy says " Yeah, my wife."
LEVEL 1: It’s 11: 00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen! ” At level three, you love the more...