"A Chemical Analysis Of A Woman" joke

Element: Woman
Symbol: wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 280
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).

Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.
2. May explode spontaneously if left alone.
3. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, esp. in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Can cool things down when it’s too hot.

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)

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