"Adults Only stuff" joke

A catholic, a morman and an Arab were playing golf and bragging about their family.
The catholic boasted that he had 4 kids, his wife was pregnant and soon he would have his own basketball team.
The morman replied; "that's nothing, we have 10 kids. One more and I'll have a football team!!! "You guys have no vision" declared the Arab. "I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have my own 18-hole golf course!!!!"
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A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front
seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next
stop.
When the bus starts on its way again, the bus driver says to the Hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how to get that Nun to have sex with you."
The Hippie, of course, says that he would love to know, so that bus driver tells him that every Tuesday at midnight, the Nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord.
"If you dress up in robes and use some glowing powder," the bus driver said, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you!"
The Hippie agrees that this is a great idea, so he decides to try it out.
That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the Nun. And right on schedule, the Nun shows up. When she is in the middle of praying, the Hippie walks out from
hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God.
"I am God. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first.."
The Nun agrees but asks for anal sex so that she might keep her virginity.
The Hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the Nun.
After he finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts, "Ha, Ha! I'm not God, I'm a Hippie!"
The Nun replies by ripping off her mask and shouting, "Ha, Ha! I'm not the Nun, I'm the bus driver!!!

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A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic oncealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
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In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high
glucose levels found in semen. A young female {FRESHMAN}
raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot
of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct",
responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
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After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing,
the poor girls face turned bright red, and as she realized
exactly what she had inadvertently said ( or rather implied), she picked
up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Profs reply was classic...
Totally stright-faced he answered her question, he stated "It doesn't
taste sweet, because the taste-buds
for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue".
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At midnight one middle age man was waiting at a train station to cross the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun sat by herself reading a bible. The man came and sat near by her hoping to get some companionship during the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading bible without even looking up to him nor saying a word. Half an hour went by slowly and
silently make the man more and more anxious to start conversation. But he did not know how to start.
The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turn around and said:
Nun: Dear sir, do you believe in god?
Man: Yes, I do.
Nun: Have you read the bible? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my lap. Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.
The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the east coast. Next day, people found out that he shot himself in his room while the bible lied open on page 157. the line 23 read:
"Heaven is a little bit higher."

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A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat he soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes.
She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area. The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is." The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."
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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much sheadored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't Stop! !!"
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A Young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
(1 )- kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel.
(2) - or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter.
(3)- and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it.
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety and Mum waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it" asks mum. "Oh mum, it was absolutely fantastic and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mum, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part and I told him what you said and he then took his hands out and said surprised; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook"! !!!
"WHAT" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others". "You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?".
"Well, not really mum. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" if it was cooked or not.