"An announcement in Punjab Airways" joke

ENJOY your journey while it lasts.
An announcement in Punjab Airways:
_______________________________________________________
"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your very handsome
captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. Sorry we are
four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the
bakery.
This is the one two six flight to New Delhi. We cannot
guarantee that we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in
the East. And if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your
village! A real Punjabi will land where he wants to, isn't that right
brothers!
Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a
problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm. For safety reasons we will be
counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We
have a very good record for safety. In fact We are so safe even the
terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50%
of our passengers end up at their destination.
For those of you who don't make it, don't worry, our staff have
lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If, however, you are
still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to tell you about our out of
court settlements. We will do everything to make your journey an
enjoyable one and even a surviving one!
If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn
them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving
complimentary tea during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are
the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!
Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son
forgot to record it from the television. But if you really want to see a
film then we will be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can
look at their movie through the window.
Although there is no-smoking in this aeroplane, you may find
that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry
your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the
engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we are very advanced at Punjab
Airways.
Not only do we provide you with a life jacket but we also give
a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming short to the
uncles!
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks
but not Punjab Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as
possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then
please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic.
Remember that guy who crashed into the White House, well it is
the same bloke!
Now kindly sit on your seat and tie your belt. For those of you
who can't find a belt please tie your own leather belt to the door
handle. And for those of you who can't find a seat, sit on your suitcase
instead.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to
attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help
yourself to the cock pit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. We
guarantee that we may not always take you on a flight but we'll definitely
take you for a ride!"