"Bumper Stickers" joke

These are actual bumper stickers that were found on people's cars:
The proctologist called; they found your head.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.
Guys; just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.
If you can read this, I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.
Some people just don't know how to drive.
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Try not to let your mind wander, it's too small, it'll get lost.
Welcome to America! Now, learn to speak English.