"Clintonesque NewSpeak" joke

CLINTONESQUE LANGUAGE MANIPULATION

President Clinton has pushed the envelope of the English language to realms hitherto unchartered. Now that we know that a person can enjoy sex while not actually having sex, let's consider other situations where similar language manipulation can provide an equally convenient defense...

* In Chicago, it isn't voter fraud unless you can prove those dead people would have voted the other way.

* It isn't reckless driving if you get into an actual wreck.

* You are not guilty of DUI if you were so drunk that you thought someone else was driving.

* It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you.

* You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and never yell at them or beat them.

* It is not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

* It isn't procrastination if you decide to postpone it right now.

* It isn't a pre-existing condition unless you had it before you existed.

* You're not fat if clothes are actually made in your size.