"Eleven step guide to being handy around the house" joke

If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help.
Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone.
Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there. Its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
If it's electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.
Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the "on" switch, or Just paint over it.
Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes DOES help.
If something looks level, it is level.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine sccess.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it aint stupid!