"Excuses Given by the Guards at the Jesus's Tomb" joke

"I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when I tried to give him a tip!"
"I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"
"With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was abducted by aliens."
"Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I'm afraid you're speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form
and direct you to Burial Services."
"As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal definition of 'escape', we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"
"We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!"
"You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how. We did! May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?
"All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!"
"Hey! What'd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of God?-NOOOOOOOOO"
"What's the big deal? He said He'd be back!"