"Excuses for Missing Work" joke

1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.2. My stigmata's acting up.3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?4. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.5. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.6. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.7. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain
false information.8. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

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