"First Mass" joke

During his first mass, a new priest was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I'm concerned about being nervous on the pulpit, I place a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I begin to get nervous, I take a sip."
The following Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass, he found a note on his door:
Sip the vodka. Don't gulp it.
There are 10 Commandments, not 12
There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.