"Forgive me I have sinned..." joke
A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says the man.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the man replies.
"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!?"
Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. "Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully." The cardinal says, "That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so more...
Three ministers - a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist - and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and before long, they were standing before St. Peter.
First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter more...
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending more...
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could more...
There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.
The headquarters in the US calls:"Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to comms for instructions."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the more...