"Fun Quotes" joke

---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------

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