"Fun Things to Do To Young Kids" joke

10. Get up early on Christmas morning, dress up as Father Christmas, and lie on the middle of their bedroom floor in a pool of fake blood.

9. Get the plastic thing from the middle of a Kinder Egg, and put it in your mouth and spit it out at them really hard.

8. Tell them that Hitler lives in their bedroom light, and that if they turn the light on, he'll come out and get them.

7. And then turn the light on.

6. Show them a home video of their parents screaming, and tell the child that "Mummy and Daddy are trapped in the television forever".

5. Give them a pomegranate to eat, and halfway through the eating, explain that it's really a dog's heart.

4. Stuff a sleeping bag with loads of pillows and sheets so that it looks as if a person is in there. Say, "Sssh! Mummy is sleeping". And then start jumping up and down on the sleeping bag, making evil grunting sounds.

3. While eating roast chicken, tie a bit of string to the chicken and tug on the string. Start shrieking something about "the kitten" not being properly dead before it was cooked.

2. Do that thing where you pretend a bit of carrot is a goldfish, but use tinned carrots so that when you throw the "goldfish" against the wall it splats nicely.

1. Just as they're going to bed, tell them it's "Duck Night", and tell them to look out of the window. As they do so, suddenly bring your hand round the other side of the curtain, making it snap like a duck's bill, while making loud duck noises.