"Hallmark Card Rejects" joke

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met you, I've changed my mind.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your Sister.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder-what the f#$k was I thinking?

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody' stupid enough to admit it.

The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in. Until I met you.

We have been friends for a very long time. Let's say we call it quits.

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

If you ever need a friend. .. buy a dog.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?