"Heavy Drinker" joke

He’s not one to do things in halves…He does them in fifths.
* When he returns from lunch, he is so loaded they make him take the freight elevator.
* He’s been frequenting a new night club. It has the nicest tables he’s ever been under.
* When he gets a cold, he buys a bottle of whiskey, and in no time it is gone. The whiskey, not the cold.
* Since he has been visiting a psychiatrist, he now drinks on the couch.
* He’s the nicest chap on two feet…if he could only stay there.
* In taverns all over town he is regarded as one of their most unsteadiest customers.
* If it weren’t for pretzels, he’d be entirely on a liquid diet.
* He frequents so many bars that his suits aren’t dry cleaned. They are distilled.
* If there’s a nip in the air, he even tries to drink that.
* He would be an interesting specimen to an entomologist. A good specimen of a bar fly.
* On his last birthday, he lit all of the candles on his cake.
* When the boss asks him to work overtime, he demands time and a fifth.
* He has been warned that alcohol is slow poison. He says he doesn’t mind. He’s in no hurry.
* He is a very public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public.
* The only time he drinks is when he is with somebody or is alone.
* He only drinks on the days ending in “Y”.
* It takes only one drink to make him drunk. He’s not sure if it is the ninth or tenth.
* No wonder they all call him “Truck”. He always has a load on.
* He believes in a balanced diet. A drink in each hand.
* At a party, he never plays Spin-The-Bottle. He will never let go of it.
* Some times he is held up going home. That is the only way he will get there.
* Once, in a hospital, he asked for water. Everyone thought he was delirious.
* He deducts his liquor bills as a medical expense as he drinks to everyone’s health.
* He’s been getting to high that soon he will have to drink with a net under him.
* He was recently a judge in a beauty contest. The competition wasn’t very stiff, but he was.
* He’s been on a drinking mans diet. Now he is a thin lush.
* He hates the sight of liquor. That’s why he drinks so much.. to get it out of sight quickly.
* It’s called for a tremendous amount of willpower on his part, but he’s finally seceded in giving up trying to give up drinking.