"Helpful tips" joke
* In the memo field of all your checks, write, “for sensual massage. ” * Specify that your drive-through order is “to go. ” * If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others. * Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. * Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, “to keep them tuned up. ” * Reply to everything someone says with, “that’s what YOU think. ” * Practice making fax and modem noises. * Make beeping noises when you back up. * Finish all your sentences with the words, “in accordance with prophecy. ” * Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. * Holler random numbers while someone is counting. * Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way. ” * Staple papers in the middle of the page. * Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise. * Honk and wave to strangers. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register. * TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. * type only in lowercase. * dont use any punctuation either * Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that? ” “What? ” “Never mind, it’s gone now. ” * As much as possible, skip rather than walk. * Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “No, wait - I messed it up. ” Then repeat. * Ask people what gender they are. * While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. * Sing along at the opera. * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme. * Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about “psychological profiles. ” * Tell your friends that you can’t attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you’re “not in the mood
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