"Helpline From Hell" joke

To: All Release 5.0 Users
In Recognition of the number of problems that you have been
having with our sofware, we have set up a special
private BBS to serve you better. On this BBS your needs will
be addressed promply and with the highest priority. All future
correspondence should be via this new channel.
To access the BBS, you must dial in from a PC based modem running
Windows '95 (TM Microsoft) using the communication package "el PC
telefono" which is sold in most Latin American countries. Call your
special access number 1-900-543-2100 (1200 Baud, No Parity, 1 Stop Bit).
When connected, type in your 147 character access code. Please
note that to protect your account security the code is not displayed
on the screen as you type. The password is also case sensitive.
This will give you access to the Welcome screen from which you can
access all the other areas on the BBS. (The welcome screen is very
graphics intensive and may take several hours to download)
You are now ready to enter the specific area that is relevant to
your problem.
Disk Compression Problem Area: Type (simultaneously) ctrl-alt g x y
z esc 2 F1 F10
Universal Language Translator Problem Area: Type ctrl p l o 3 4 esc F5
Pre-release compatiblity Problem Area: ctrl t o u g h l u c k esc .
All other problems: ctrl alt del
By entering your problem into the correct area it will receive immediate
attention by one of our highly trained Job Corps volunteers (assuming
Congress is still funding this program). From there the problem is
photocopied and sent to every one of our other customers with a note
asking if they have ever seen this problem and if so how did they solve it.
To protect your confidentiality, any answer that does manage to get posted
will be translated to swahili and encrytpted. To receive the decryption
key word, you must call our "Automated Keyword Generation Line". To
access this line dial 1-900-278-2537 (thats 1-900-A SUCKER) with a rotary
phone. When the call connects you must quickly transfer your call to a touch
tone phone to answer the rest of the questions. (please have your credit card
ready). If you enter in the number of the problem, the phone will
(assuming your credit card is accepted) beep the touch tone codes of the
letters for the key word back to you.
We hope that this system is helpful. We have found a dramatic decrease
in the number of problems that people report once this system is put
in place. We hope that it will do the same for you. If you have any
questions, please do not hesitate to post them to me in the "other
problems" area of the BBS.
Sincerely
Fredd Nott