"How To Do Comedy, Part Two" joke

Chapter 2: Are You Funny? No!
I know I can teach you comedy. Why? Because I have won several comedy competitions sponsored by many notable brands of beer and malt liquor. Oh sure, you could buy someone else's comedy book, thereby verifying that you are gay and an arsonist as I have long suspected, but wouldn't you rather learn from the voice of experience? I'm talking about the experience that comes from winning a Bacardi T-shirt by telling a joke about your dick that is so funny, Bacardi is considering putting a picture of it on the labels of its many fine beverages! Enough of that, though! We'll learn more about my dick in Chapter 8: The Pride of New Jersey!
First, let's find out if you're funny. Actually, we both know you aren't funny. Otherwise, why would you buy a book on how to be funny? It's because you're a dumb shit, that's why. Thanks for the upwards of 15 bucks, dumb shit-for-brains! Hopefully, though, you're funnier than my mom, who doesn't understand my jokes because she is dead. Or at least she will be once I save up enough money from selling this book. Let me give you an example:
Me: Mom, how about this joke, "Growing up Italian was rough sometimes, but at least I have a big, fat dick!" No, wait, do-over. "I'm Italian, but my dick is big so in a way it's like I'm Black instead of Italian because as you may know, Blacks have big dicks!"
Mom: But, Kurty... Isn't that a little racist? Not all African Americans are well-endowed. I mean, sure, your stepfather is very blessed, but I think he may be more the exception than the rule. Besides that, you didn't grow up Italian, and I used to change your diapers so I know your exaggerating about your size. Oh, and I drycleaned the shoulder pads from your comedy jacket for you.
Me: (putting on my comedy jacket and pushing the sleeves up) I hate you!
So as you can see, my mom is an unfunny whore, but that doesn't mean you have to be! Try taking this funnyness test...
Place a check next to the question if the answer is yes.

1. Are you Jewish, Black, or Italian?

(Note: if you answered yes to this question, skip directly to Chapter 5: Jews, Blacks, and Italians Aren't Funny.)

2. Do people at work laugh at your stupid, stolen jokes?

3. Do people often repeat your already stolen lines, then high-five each other?

4. Do you like to ignorantly mock those who are different than you?

5. Did you see the movie American Pie?

6. Wasn't it so funny when the kid fucked that pie?

7. Were you the class clown at your high school, immigration exam, GED class, felonious assault trial, etc.?

8. Isn't it funny when bad things happen to people you don't know, like when a guy gets kicked in the sack, or an earthquake devastates India?
Well, how did you do? To find out, simply tear this test page out and send it in a self-addressed, stamped envelope along with $50 to me. While we're waiting for the results, turn to the next chapter.