"How To Win Arguments - Basic Rules" joke

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any
opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
1) Drink liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a
subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice,
you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy.
You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly
upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
2) Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a
position you base solely on the fact that you are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let
a bunch of Peruvians be better off. Don't say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average
Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1, 452. 81 per annum, which is
$836. 07 before the mean gross poverty level."
Note: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make that up, too. Say: "This information
comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read
it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You parked your car in the handicapped
section."
3) Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q. E. D.," "e. g.," and "i. e." These are all
short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you will win if you say:
"Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they
would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se,
as it were. Q. E. D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
4) Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make
valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what
"parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponents says "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say "You're begging the question."
or
You say "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponents says "Liberia is in Africa."
You say "You're being defensive."
5) Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly
wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,"
or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry
weapons.