"How to Sing the Blues" joke

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

1. Most blues begin:' Woke up this morning.'

2.' I got a good woman' is a bad way to begin the
blues, unless you stick something nasty in the
next line.
I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first
line right, repeat it. Then find something that
rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other
acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing
the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but
not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in
Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still
the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a
shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed

Bad places for the Blues
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you
wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old
black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand
are capable of singing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you
gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues
beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
d. one bourbon, one scotch and one beer

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back
by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So
is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being
denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is not a blues death if you die during a
liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

17. Some Blues Names for Men

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia
will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter
how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit)

a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)