"In The News - American politics, Olympics" joke

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes one Leno quote
WARNING - may be offensive to Los Angelenos, horses, Yugo drivers
Congratulations to 17 year old Kim Rhode of El Monte, California, for winning the gold medal in trap shooting. You don't go to school in the LA area without learning to be a good shot. (Leno)
Turkey's tiny Nalm Suleymanoglu, the man they call the "Pocket Hercules", won his third gold in weightlifting. He has a brother who's an accountant, called the "Pocket Calculator".
Just to give you an idea of how cramped and tight things are in Atlanta, athletes are complaining they can't get around the Olympic Village, can't get around Atlanta, can't get around drug testing...
Children's TV producers have a meeting at the White House on Monday, which seems rather fitting - the 1996 election looks like Sesame Street and we have to choose between Cookie Monster and Oscar the Grouch.
The GOP is buying time on the Family Channel and USA Network to broadcast an "unfiltered" version of its convention "straight from the horses mouth". Funny, I would have thought it would come from the other end of the horse...
Shortly after admitting he wrote "Primary Colors", journalist Joe Klein got carried away - he now claims he is Deep Throat, he killed Jimmy Hoffa and that he sang lead on those Milli Vanilli albums.
After the Lakers signed Shaquille O'Neal to a $120 million contract, they doubled their ticket prices. I guess there's no such a thing as a free throw in this town. Thank goodness this was offset by that minimum wage hike...
This month is the 50th anniversary of atomic bomb testing on Bikini Atoll. The islands flag is a field of blue with 50 itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dots.
Mobil Corporation will stop calling its Hefty trash bags "biodegradable" because they don't break down fast enough. In order to do that, they would need to be made out of the same stuff they use to make a Yugo.
And finally, production has begun on "Free Willy 3". Producers weren't able to get the original whale - he's afraid of being typecast.