"Job Descriptions" joke

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10, 000 word document and calls it a "brief ".
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat whichisn't there.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.