"Lenny Hates... Plane Travel, Part 34" joke

Plane travel needs to be updated for the 21st century. I think we’ll all agree, it’s a terrific form of transportation and is very necessary. I mean, if you couldn’t travel by plane, there’d be less noise pollution, air pollution, terrorist threats, and war options- but how would ARod ever leave New York? We must make plane travel work! Here are some suggestions:
#1 – The terrorism thing.
I love profiling at the airport. You’re wearing a turban, sorry lady, you’re a suspect. Until then, Whites, Blacks, Jews, Asians, and even people named Lloyd (I hate that name but he gets a pass here), don’t have to take their shoes off and get to keep the dreaded nail clipper. Create a national database of people based on their passport/picture/IDs. Oh yeah, we have computers in the U.S. Maybe we should use them.
#2 – Fat people need their own airline.
If you’re offended, do you know why? Because you never have to sit next to you! I just got back from Tennessee. Half of the guy sitting next to me was on my lap for two hours. When he put his arm on the armrest he shut my iPod off - which was located in the opposite pocket.
Airlines need to a) make the seats bigger, b) charge fat people extra and/or give skinny people discounts, and c) make them buy two (or nine) seats. By the way, you are allowed to bring deodorant on the plane, use it. Or eat it – it still could work.
#3 – Baggage Claim.
You’re telling me that I got off the plane which takes forever, walked the entire concourse, went to the bathroom, called my home for my messages, called the taxi, called my Dad to tell him I lived, went down the escalator and STILL had to wait 20 minutes for my bag? I could have FedExed my bag home quicker. Just hand my luggage back to me as I get off.
#4 - Friendlier skies?
Remember the hot stewardess in the skirt and boots in that commercial? “Hi! I’m April, fly me.” Yeah, well she doesn’t exist anymore. It’s now either, “Listen up, I’m Helga. A Bloody Mary is five bucks.” Or, “Hi. I’m Steph-aaan. Sorry, we’re sooo out of blanketsssssss.” By the way, nothing is gonna make me feel more at ease during a plane crash than a man in those (lime green) croc shoes telling me not to panic.
#5 – Enough with the B.S.
My iPod, cell phone, and laptop being on is not going to bring down the aircraft. The fat guy sitting next to me might, (see: momentum), but not my music that is helping me relax through the turbulence. If we crash, nobody is going to help me but me. It’s going to be every man for himself, don’t for a second think that it isn’t. Thanks for the exit door announcements, but the gaping hole in the plane is probably where I’m jumping out.
Anyway, I have a plane trip this weekend. This time my friend is going. That reminds me, I have to go weigh him.