"Mean-spirited comment and questions about contemporary life" joke

In the morning I pour coffee in my travel mug and drink about half of it on my way to work. In the afternoon it is still piping hot. Ain't summertime great.
I don't worry about Bill Clinton any more, but those 47 million people who voted for him in 1996 scare me. They'll still be around long after Bill is gone.
A gentleman always remembers a lady's birthday, but never her age.
I hope no one else famous dies for a few months. I don't think we can take much more of this.
I did not go to Woodstock '69, but I wish I had. I did not go to Woodstock '99 and I am glad I didn't.
Take it from me, I work at a Waffle House, and, Yes, there are many hungry drunks after midnight.
They've already spent millions looking for Eric Rudolph, so why wouldn't the FBI just fork out another $39.95 to that company that "guarantees" it can find anyone in the U.S.?
My weight control specialist got offended when I told him he was the best fat doctor in the city.
I'll never trust a beauty shop that has no mirrors.
Maybe if I could talk to Eleanor Roosevelt's ghost, I could be as smart as Hillary.
Source: The Vent column