"More of life's truths...." joke

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
27) Procrastinate Now
28) Rehab Is for Quitters
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since age 15
33) ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING
34) West Virginia: One Million People and 15 last names
35) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
36) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
37) A hangover is the wrath of grapes
38) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
39) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
40) DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music
41) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
42) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
43) Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog
44) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN... Cops have nothing to go on.
45) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
46) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
47) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
48) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
49) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
50) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
51) WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years.
52) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
53) IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?