Quoting Jokes

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so more...

a.. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
b.. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
c.. "Procrastinate Now."
d.. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
e.. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
f.. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
g.. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
h.. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
i.. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
j.. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
k.. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
l.. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
m.. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
n.. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
o.. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park more...

* "On the advice of our solicitors, this T-shirt bears no message at this time".
* "That's it! I'm calling me granny" (seen on a seven-year-old)
* "Rehab is for quitters"
* "My dog can lick anyone"
* "Party - my cot - 2 a.m." (on a baby-size T-shirt)
* "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS FECKIN' CAR!"
* "They call it 'PMT' cos 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken"
* "A picture is worth a thousand words - but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
* "HAM AND EGGS - a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig."
* "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
* "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
* "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
* "Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
* more...