"New Element: Administratium" joke

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists at Yale's Research Center. The element, tentatively named
administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons
75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would
normally occur in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization
in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons
exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually
increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and
hospitals and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained
buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.