"Parenting quotes" joke

One can track evolution in how parents treat each new child in turn, when the kid drops a pacifier on the floor:
1st kid - boil it, then give it back to the kid.
2nd kid - run it under hot water, then give it back to the kid.
3rd kid - lick it off, then give it back to the kid.
4th kid - give it to to the dog to lick off, then give it back to the kid.
(Michael J. Fox parent of 4, on Letterman, 6/30/09)

Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.
(David Frost)

Any astronomer can predict with absolute accuracy just where every star in the universe will be at 11.30 tonight. He can make no such prediction about his teenage daughter.
(James T. Adams)

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
(Jim Bishop)

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
(Ralph Bus)

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
(Bob Phillips)

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was' shut up.'
(Joe Namath)

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
(Mona Crane)

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.