"Philosophies" joke

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me.....'We are all individuals.'

Death to all fanatics! Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....