"Reasons to set yourself on fire in a mall" joke

The Associated Press: "A man shouting "freedom and liberty for all" set himself on fire in a suburban shopping mall Friday and hurled flaming objects at shoppers..."
- Friday, November 23, 2001
You warned them you'd do it if they opened up a sixth Starbucks.
Line for Santa is like two hours long.
"Chilly."
Been searching for 45 minutes for your car in the garage and you just don't know where the hell it is.
Compared to walking around while your wife looks at cups for another hour, it's bliss.
Can't find a chair.
Want to prove to your idiot friend that the combo fire extinguisher / martini mixer for sale in that stupid gadget store simply won't work.
You just lifted four CD's from Coconuts and you sense mall security closing in - and those bastards won't take you alive.
It was either that or let them force you to eat one of them disgusting Cinnabons.
Swallowed all bin Laden's crap about them 82 virgins.
You put on too much Obsession, lit a cigarette, and - poof!
(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001