"Sayings" joke

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you?... How would you know?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" T-shirt. -Lev L. Spiro
There's no real need to do housework - after four years it doesn't get any worse.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -Dykstra
O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -Elizabeth Taylor
Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. -Time Bandits
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Don't cook tonight - starve a rat today!
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
Received from Jerard Muszik & Keith Sullivan.