"Signs You Might Have a Drinking Problem" joke

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't
really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol
calories.
The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingrich... he's soooo sexy.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
Do you (your name) take this woman...
Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
Double vision so much the norm, you can't function without it.
You listen to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.